is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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