I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
