I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
