I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
