Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
