Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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