i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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