I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My penis needs a shock collar
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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