I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
