i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
