If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have aggressive nipples.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
