the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ladies don't puke and tell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
