He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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