I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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