i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
