He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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