I just pynch a tree in the face
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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