Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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