I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i now understand why vodka
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
