Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
