are you still at the devil's house?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
