I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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