I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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