I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I FOUND THE LEGS
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
