They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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