i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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