Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
