textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
