2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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