omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
