what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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