Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
