i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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