6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
