Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
