There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
