So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
