Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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