Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
