If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
