Don't make out with my wife yet
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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