eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
