he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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