I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
