You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
