I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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