I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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