4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
