I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
