White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
