If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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